Sunday, January 31, 2010

Dane’s Go-to list of Excuses

I’m baby-sitting my friend’s bearded dragon and I ran out of Barbasol.

My mother claims to have found a leprechaun. She is keeping him captive in the linen closet, and I have to let him out. I suspect it’s the florist again.

I fell off someone’s shoulders in a chicken fight and broke my neck. I’m seeing Chicken and Stars.

The squirrels in my neighborhood have organized, and they are jumping and scratching at my door, like Force 10 from Navarone, trying to absquatulate with my Indian corn.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Art Smarty says be square and obey the laws of the pack.

This piece is a revival of the romantic assertion that the artist's soul should be revealed in a work of art. In my next painting I'm going to staple sex toys to the canvas.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Soap Opera Dialogue (It doesn't matter which one.)

"I was always intimidated by Miguel's culinary talents."
"You didn't read what he wrote in his journal? ...His glamorous Mother is in prison!"
"I find the man interesting."
"Mm-hmm. Instead of Aliens living among us, Victor thinks he may be over-reacting."
"Oh, dear. What Aliens?"
"I'm no counselor, just a guy who loves his brother."
"I'll tell the Court you broke probation to take an underage girl on a drunken joyride."
"Don't do that to yourself, you're just upset because there's a page missing from your shakespearean sonnet."