Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Things I hate as a rule:

1) You go all-out to find someone a meaningful present and they show no appreciation for it whatsoever. Like when I was Rat Girl's Secret Santa and I gave her a Pencil Maze Activity Book and a Wheel of Queso Chihuahua. (I should have kept the cheese for myself... damn whisker-faced ingrate!)

2) People who can't tell the difference between the post-office and a donut shop. While stamps are truly delicious with sprinkles and pink icing, do you really need to see the Gerald R. Ford one again? There's only a line 20 people deep on their lunch hour. Why don't you spend the next half of an hour deliberating over the merits of the duck decoy stamp, you jelly-filled loser!

3) I hate how they don't let you bring Mace to concerts with you anymore. How are you supposed to get Mr. Ward-of-the-State in front of you to stop trying to date-rape his 16 year old girlfriend now that she passed out headfirst into a plate of nachos.

4) Waitresses who don't know the difference between Orange Juice and Orange shoes. The last time I ordered a glass of orange juice the waitress came back with a pair of Converse.

5) Being smothered in Syrup. Say, let's watch Little Women together, shall we?

6) Interview questions I've heard a zillion times before. Question: "If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be? Answer: A dead one... Do I start Monday?

7) The fact that there's a 1-800 number should you need help preparing your Butterball.

8) People who find in necessary to re-fight the civil war. Why?... Why don't they use live ammunition?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

If Dane was your psychic medium...

"I'm crossing over and communicating with a spirit named Sam Wheat. Do you know Sam? He's saying he was your grandmother. He taught you needlepoint. You say you've never done needlepoint? He's saying you did. He has a message for you. He says the scallion cream cheese in purgatory is the stuff of Gods, and he's standing in awe before the selection of hot soup."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What are you doing now?

Status Updates by Dane and 49 friends on Facebook:

Toby is alarmed by his mother's discovery of emoticons. 6:44 a.m.
Kate is making soup with an Amish chicken 7:18 a.m.
Marianne is making a Power Ranger brush his teeth 7:45 a.m.
Deb is basking in the afterglow of a wild night on the couch with a cup of tea and a snoring dog. 8:22 am
Josh is changing a diaper. (no, not his own.) 8:43 a.m.
Suzanne is being coerced into playing mousetrap. 8:49 a.m.
Alli found her nose ring that she lost a month ago in the carpet of her bedroom. Yessssss! 9:25 a.m.
David is dealing with multiple epiphanies about his sexuality. 9:45 a.m.
Alison is working on Sunday. booo. 9:47 a.m.
Julie is putting her oxygen mask on first before attempting to assist others. 9:47 a.m.
DeMane "Mmm-mmm! Who is that?!" -my Mama when she saw Eric Holder our new Attorney General. 10:53 a.m.
Jon just got flipped off by a kid on a school bus. 9:59 a.m.
Fritz is getting rid of a monkey, anyone interested? 10:54 a.m.
Ben is hanging pictures at his mother-in-laws. Say, as long as I've got a hammer, and I'm sure I can find some wooden stakes... 12:02
Mike fell asleep with a canned ham on his chest last night. 12:21
Amy is chomping on a piece of gum... shocker. 12:25
Kj is still high from her lesson in theobroma cacao. 1:05 p.m.
Kevin has a greasemonkey on his back. 1:27 p.m.
Melanie is watching a bunny open an envelope on yahoo & it is not helping her feel any smarter. 1:35 p.m.
Oliver ist ein pickelkopf. 2:12 p.m.
Charlotte is porous with travel fever. 2:36 p.m.
Greg is lost in the hills of Rome. No, literally. We have no idea where we are. 2:44 p.m.
Brian is going to a gallery opening tonight and can't find his beret. 3:53 p.m.
Dane is using a haystack as a metaphor in all his work. Suck it, Monet! 3:58 p.m.
Daniel is trying to decide if he should cut his whole head off, or just the part with the migraine. 4:01 p.m.
Greg is taking a disco nap. Boogie-oogie-oogie. 4:27 p.m.
Bob is carving miniature canoes out of gherkin pickles. 4:30 p.m.
Patrick denies that he is Client #6. 4:43 p.m.
Risa is thinking that she always finds people with U-Hauls endearing. 5:22 p.m.
Sean is trying to convince the hamster in his head to spin the damn wheel. 5:30 p.m.
Ted is pissed he didn't blow all his money on drugs and hookers before losing it in the market. 5:30 p.m.
Tara wants to check the moon for holes and such. 5:39 p.m.
Tom just pulled Sleeping Beauty's head off. It was an accident. 6:00 p.m.
Aimee is going for a fancy night out. Should I wear the shirt with the applesauce stain or the ketchup one? 6:06 p.m.
Kiki has finally got the dried pea out of her ear. It's been there all day. She only put it there this morning to see if it fitted. 6:30 p.m.
Ang does not want to go home, even if it means I have to stay at Miami airport, which kind of smells like puke. 7:28 p.m.
Tom has forgotten your name momentarily and will now address you as "dude". 8:26 p.m.
Paula is happy her satellite dish has thawed out. 8:36 p.m.
Matthew is pretty sure he's made out of Soylent Green. 8:36 p.m.
Bruno says who doesn't like Samba, a good person can't be. 9:21 p.m.
Pitti can't say NO to the fruit PuNCh!!!Damnn youuuuuu! 9:39 p.m.
Greg is tired of serving giant salads to Russians. 9:44 p.m.
Trixie just can't get past mickey rourke's face. 10:54 p.m.
Barry is worried that Delhi Belly has set in. Last night's tacky restaurant was not the best idea. I have a 5-Star stomach. 10:11 p.m.
Pat is trying barbeque chicharones on the dog. He's not biting. 12:45 a.m.
Kat refuses to be "owned" by anyone. Grrrr. 1:07 a.m.
Jeff is hoarding Spam for the coming apocalypse. 1:10 a.m.
Scott is wearing a furry bear suit with the pajama flap up. 1:37 a.m.
Colin grows old and will wear his trousers rolled. He wonders if he dares eat a peach? He will wear green flannel pants and walk across the beach. 2:28 a.m.
Catherine is finally finished with my freelance job and back on "Crackbook." (About an hour ago.)

Monday, April 20, 2009

I like to paint with my feet. Not because I have a disability, it's just that I have incredibly talented metatarsals.

All of the Above is recent dane art: Poster that I did for Brian Wimer's Zombie movie entitled "Eat Me", T-shirt for Jack Spade, Flyers for my fiance's band, Maybe the Welders.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Things Dane has been deniedby Suze Orman.

I told my collection of vacuum formed dolls that I wish I owned a disco bag with gorilla fur and a pocket mirror. Jingle boy suggested I just go out and buy one, but then Mr. Goiter suggested I ask Suze Orman if I could afford it. I am hesitant because there are so many things Suze has already denied me. Here is a list just to re-cap.:

Astronaut Pants.
Lunch on Tuesday.
A vowel. I'd like to buy a vowel.
A fleet of trained killer mosquitoes.
375 feet of string cheese.
Indian property.
An anonymous futon.
103 gently used parables.
The Little Explorer Adventure Belt Set.
A portrait of Spock tattooed on my back with the inscription: They like you very much, but they are not the hell your whales.
My entire apartment Vacuum-Sealed. (I'm concerned that my giant inchworm with a saddle on it is just sitting there collecting dust.)
Nervous laughter.
A habitual cough.
The Little House on the Prairie DVD collection.
A diving board surrounded by miniature tubs of margarine to cushion my fall.
Appeased parents.
An intensified obbligato.
His and Her matching omelettes.
An unpredictable suitcase.
Anything behind the door where Carol Merrill is standing.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Detachable Penis (Parents Advisory)

Many thanks to Fly for introducing me to John H. Hall a couple of years ago. John gave me permission to transform the lyrics of his hit song to the mini-comic realm as part of a project I was doing with MOCCA's DIY Workshop. John is King Missile's Singer/Songwriter and Fly illustrated the album cover for King Missile 3, The Psychopathology of Everyday Life.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Fly on the Wall

While drawing well-endowed anthropomorphic unicorns in the rumpus room of my 6th floor walk up on 14th street, I remember how Ren and Stimpy occasionally crept into my subconscious, and I'd start ranting at my love quartet of Toaster Strudels, "Quick, man! Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!" Happily, now every time my eye starts blinking involuntarily, I am easily sedated by hitting my scrotum with my fists and humming: "It's Xanadu... The neon lights will shine for you. For you, Xanadu." And then my business partner and imaginary friend, Mr. Lorenzo the Albanian Super, hides Mecamylamine in my baloney sandwich, and everything becomes as right as a gun!

Now, it has come to my attention that some trolls out there are upset with my usage of the words Fluff, Flarf and Floon. While I admit that I have taken liberties with Flarf, I have never Flooned. As for Fluff, well, Fluff pays the rent. That's not mine. I think it's from Double Indemnity. While I'm not entirely aloof to my exposure to cultural vernacular, I'm not always cognizant of the source of a particular gaff either. So. like, if I didn't make something up or lift it from Barbara Stanwyck, chances are I heard it from Sockets, who heard it from Pumkin, who heard it from Horsey, who heard it from Wheelchair Barbie, who heard it from Chuck Norris. 

It might interest you to know that the President and CEO of fragrance giant Ebola For Men had this to say about my blog:
While Dane is obviously out to lunch with lunchmeat, you just have to ride the emotional roller coaster with him, and watch out for divergent geese on a collision course with Fabio's Mug.

Let me leave you with this thought. Hitler. Was that guy a dick, or what?

My art is peppered throughout The Making of Paranoid Park. View clips at

For more work by Felix Andrew see

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Paranoid Park

These are stills from The Making of Paranoid Park, which was Gus Van Sant feature prior to Milk. I created the titles and graphics seen here, with the exception of the movie poster, which was created by someone in-house.

Outer Space, Cats, and Germans

Q: If you could be a superhero, who would you be and why?
Dane: Thor. Because he got to carry a hammer around all day and break stuff.

Q: What do you consider your biggest fault and how has this fault held you back in your career?
Dane: I like to cut out a picture of the creative director, put it in a little locket, and wear it around my neck as a keepsake. This makes some people feel a tad uncomfortable.

Q: What one thing are you most proud of?
Dane: Drank champagne out of Suzanne Lynch's shoe at a New Year's Eve party.

Q: What's the biggest risk you've ever taken?
Dane: Drank champagne out of Suzanne Lynch's shoe at a New Year's Eve party.

Q: Who's the most infamous person (living or dead) you'd want to have a discussion with?
Dane: The person who's idea it was to place a gold-plated plaque on the space probe Pioneer 10 showing a naked human couple and directions to Earth; (launched in 1973).

Q: What are you passionate about and why?
Dane: I'm passionate about making ten dollars an hour. It will help finance a project of mine that's been 10 years in the making... photographing famous people's used Kleenex.

Q: What is the best thing about living in New York City?
Dane: I like to roam the streets set to a soundtrack of George Gershwin tunes and imagine how everyone would look in black & white.

Q: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
Dane: Minnesota. Where else are likenesses carved out of slabs of butter considered high art?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

More About Dane

I had enough of fun with those wacky photoshop filters. Speaking of filters, as a second hand smoker, I was hooked on Kools. My father was a cargo claims inspector and my mother was a banana. My childhood was like a mixed tape you'd find in your sister's glove compartment; on one side, Cream's Wheels of Fire. On the other, The Sea by Rod McKuen. I wasn't always conflicted. When I was seven I wanted to be Shirley Temple. Then there was the time I almost drown in a surf competition. And who can forget the time I got caught smoking? (Jan and Marcia told on me). My singing career performing under the name Johnny Bravo was short-lived. I performed hits like, "Go, you Chicken Fat, Go Away" during Las Vegas Night at the Jewish Center in Little Neck. But when the place was raided by the font police for an unlicensed use of Hebrew Script, I had to take a series of odd jobs to make ends meet. I was a wholesale distributor of brisket, a porcupine whisperer, and I worked full time as a trolley dolly in a United Airlines flight simulator. For a while I had a job distributing Marzipan to school lunches at P.S. 78. Now I moonlight as a bouncer at PTA meetings and bachelorette parties in the Puyallup Washington school district. I'm like "The Dude" in The Big Lebowski, if the dude liked men and wore pant suits like Hillary Clinton. So, now I blog for recreation. I bowl. Drive Around. The Occasional Acid Flashback.  

More Groovy Dane Art

I guess every artist/writer's brain is a blender and you just add the right combination of words and pictures and out comes whatever comes out of it. So, here's some cartoons I've done using my sketchbook as a launching pad for much of this blog's content.