What I was thinking in the last five seconds...

Is it me, or does electro-shock therapy seem really uncomfortable?

There is a squirrel crossing the power line in front of our house. You couldn't pay me enough zoo dollars to do that. Incidentally, I suspect that the squirrels in my neighborhood have organized. They are routinely jumping and scratching at my door, like Force 10 from Navarone, trying to absquatulate with my Indian Corn.

I'm sick to my stomach from eating the pictures in Gourmet magazine.

I can't wait to go off-roading in my Rascal scooter. I'm going to have it detailed with flames shooting out the back and "Big Foot" spraypainted on the side. I imagine it will be a real hit at Monster Truck shows. Me in my hiphuggers, cataract protectors, and little bell so people move the fuck out of my way.

I found a defective fork in my junk drawer. I feel like a defective fork. There's only room for one defective fork in my apartment. Great, now I have to move.